Wednesday, February 27, 2008

How to Build a Better Flu Shot

I had the flu last week, despite having gotten a flu shot in November. My illness coincided with several news reports of the vaccine being ineffective. Given enough time on my hands, I came up with this list of models and methods for producing a more effective vaccine. It seems the first one in the list, the Sony, was used this year.

  • The Sony model of influenza vaccination: Build a really nice flu shot and charge a premium price for it, and then get really confused over the notion of "compatibility" when people start complaining about it, or "dropping like flies."
  • The Nintendo model: Spend a fortune developing a lean and inexpensive flu shot that people will go nuts trying to get, then fail to produce enough to satisfy demand. Keep doing this for two years.
  • The RIAA/MPAA model: Ignore influenza for a few years, then go nuts and quarantine %.05 of those infected in hopes that the rest of the population will get the idea and stay healthy. Then watch the influenza spread and grow immune to anything you might try in the future.
  • The Marvel Comics model: Hire the best researchers you can find and let them go nuts producing vaccines to anything they want. The catch is, the medicine only works when a patient takes every variation every week, or the patient won't know what exactly is being cured and may even suspect that new problems are being created as a result of the treatment.
  • The EA Games model: Buy mass quantities of existing vaccine, combine with water to a fine ratio, and annually sell it back with an updated label. Keep talking about the need for new vaccines.
  • The Apple model: Make a great vaccine with the ability to make people healthier and more productive, then sit and scratch your head at why the population doesn't flock to you en masse. Then remember that you forgot to include the ability to play solitaire in the basic design, and so the flu and other viruses will proliferate unchecked.
  • The PBS model: Focus on treating the very young and very old. Though this is laudable, the massive and unaccounted for age group in between are the only ones who can pay for the vaccine.
  • The Secondary Education model: Rely on the widely-held belief that the lengthy and expensive treatment process can only be beneficial and that anyone would be better for it. Stick to this story despite a pattern of diminishing returns in the most recent generation.